Five Signs You’re Living Someone Else’s Definition of Success — and How to Change Course 

By Becca Pearce 

What is your definition of success?  

If you’re like many people, it most likely involves reaching a specific career goal, having a certain amount of money, maybe achieving as much as you can in your lifetime.  The American Dream has been part of our culture for years, and these things are synonymous with the American Dream. 

As a personal executive coach, I have  conversations with high-achieving people all the time about why they’re not as happy as they think they should be — having achieved the things they thought they wanted. And what we ultimately determine is that either a) they keep moving the goal posts on themselves, or b) they’re living someone else’s definition of success – not their own.  

If you’re wondering why you’re not happier. If you feel the constant pull to try for more but never truly feel successful, there’s a good chance you’re living someone else’s definition of success rather than your own. 

Here are five signs you’re living someone else’s definition of success, and what you can do to start changing course. 

1. You’re chasing everyone else’s idea of “enough.” 

You look around and silently ask yourself, “Is everyone more successful than me?” They have a bigger house, a nicer car, a bigger title, more responsibility. And they’re still striving for more. So, you feel like you need to do it, too. The old “keeping up with the Jones’s” mentality.  

But inwardly, you’re tired of striving and if you really think about it, you don’t really care about the bigger house, the nicer car, or the bigger title. If this is you, you’re chasing their definition of enough, not your own. 

Try this: Ask yourself, “What would success look like if nobody else ever knew about it?” You might realize the things that matter most aren’t things anyone can see. 

2. You’ve Achieved It and you’re still now happy 

You have the car. You have the title. You have the house. You have the responsibility. You have everything you thought was supposed to make you happy. And you still don’t feel successful. You have an inner voice that whispers, “I thought this would feel different. I thought I’d like this more.” 

That moment—what I call Unfortunate Awareness—when you realize everything you’ve been striving for but you still don’t feel successful, can feel confusing. It’s also a sign that you’ve been striving for someone else’s definition of success. 

Try this: Question your confusion. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable in this moment to understand what it’s trying to tell you. What would make you feel successful? If you’ve achieved what you thought you wanted and that’s not enough, what would be enough?  

3. You define yourself by your job or title. 

If you catch yourself leaning into a part – “the CIO,” “the tech guy who knows everything,” “the fixer,” “the multitasker who can handle anything”– you might be performing more than you’re living. 

This is likely because you identify your worth by your title. You’ve defined success as being that person with that title. But there’s a good chance there are other parts of your life that you’re missing out on. Family and friends don’t care about your title – they care about you. 

Try this: Be as intentional about the parts of your life outside the business as you are inside the business.  

4. You feel guilty for wanting something different. 

From the outside, your life looks perfect. Or so you tell yourself. And you guilt yourself into thinking, “I shouldn’t say anything, I have so much!”  

“Shoulding” yourself out of your feelings is a sure sign something isn’t right. You’re feeling the push/pull of what you have been taught success is vs. what you really want in life. 

Try this: Swap “What will they think if I quit/change?” for “What will I think of myself if I stay/ don’t change?” 

5. You’ve said to yourself, “I’ll be happy when…” 

Refer back to the opening of this article. We’ve all been told the American Dream is about wanting and achieving more. And it seems the golden ring is always just beyond our grasp. If you find yourself saying, “I’ll be happy as soon as…” you may be missing what’s right in front of you. 

Try this: Finish this sentence: “I’ll feel successful when …” Then ask, “What’s stopping me from feeling that now?” 

What can you do to change course? 

The good news is, you don’t have to completely start over to change course. You can build a future that feeds your soul and keeps the stability you’ve worked so hard for – simply by defining and owning your own definition of success.  

Start by writing down your current definition of success.  

Review it.  

Then ask yourself where it came from. It could be your family, our culture, social media or other places. It could be the American Dream! 

Then question if it still fits.  

If not, tear it up and create a new one.  

Say your new definition out loud.  

Share it with your loved ones.  

Own what makes you happy and find a world that supports it. 

It’s okay for your definition of success to change. The goal is to embrace the definition that fits you – so you can finally find the happiness you’ve been searching for.