“Dreams in the Depths”
Craving conversation, he walked to me, into the light.
I can’t stop thinking about it. When Kylo and I spoke…I saw that light in him again. Now it all makes sense. It wasn’t him. I mean, what happened wasn’t exactly him. What Luke said wasn’t the truth. He told me just enough to keep me on his side, but Kylo—Ben…
Ben and I understand each other in a way I’ve never experienced. A connection I’ve never felt, and not just through the Force, but a human connection that I’ve never known before.
When he told me what happened, it was as though he had never told anyone before. Why me? Why am I the one he longs to confide in?
Then again, why am I so determined to do the same?
He’s inside my mind constantly. I see him everywhere I turn. I feel him on every inch of my skin.
I walk down the picturesque mountainside and all I can see is his face, perking up whenever we connect. Waves crash around me and all I can feel is his stare.
Right now, I sit on the rock I sat on just before we last connected. I remember it all. The way his face contorted when he mustered the truth out of himself. The eyes of a boy desperately seeking approval after the words left his lips. The way my heart pounded madly against my chest, and the way I fought myself to stay composed and not lunge for him to throw my arms around him and offer relief and comfort—something I’m sure no one has offered him since that day.
There is such conflict within him, and I want to help him sort it out. There is such strength and goodness trapped inside his pain, not so deep beneath his rough exterior. Maybe I’m the one who can help him pull it out. Maybe that’s why this is happening—our bonds through the Force.
Maybe part of me wants to be enveloped my him too…
Maybe I want him to help me find my place here too…
I shake the thoughts out of my head and look out at the night sky. The stars drizzle light into the ocean. My eyes linger on the vast darkness of endless water. The crashes continue to break against the cliffside below. A creature of some sort dives into the water from far off with a splosh! My eyelids fall and I’m there. On the water’s surface. I’m enveloped by my senses, and by the sounds filling the air—the hums of the ocean. The water lapping and the air whistling, racing, swirling. All of it. It tugs on me, spinning around my limbs and hugging my body. My head gets light, my body weightless, and when I open my eyes I see I am being carried.
I’m underwater. With him. I had sunk right in, falling rapidly down without even realizing it. He caught me, wrapped me up. I’m safe. We are standing still in time, breathing underwater. Together. A haven from our warring worlds—our inner and outer demons. None of that matters. No one else knows us like this. I don’t even know myself like this. He’s starting to, though, and I am starting to understand him. To know him in a way no one else has before. And in this moment, all I care about is him. Falling asleep, drifting away in the waves and forgetting everything.
Our future is intertwined. I don’t know how, but it is.
I see nothing tangible. Nothing I can touch. Just shapes and colors.
Darkness. Peace. Light.
My eyes peel open. I had fallen asleep on the rock. I sit up and straighten my back. What was I dreaming about? What was I thinking?
I’m a little ashamed—scared—at what I’m feeling. What I dreamt. Thought. But at the same time, I’m not afraid. There is more to this story, and there is more to his story because his story isn’t over yet. It’s not too late for him. I can feel it. That’s why I dreamt what I did—why I feel what I feel. It’s why we’re connected so intensely—so strongly, so intimately. It’s why I see him everywhere I go. It’s why I feel him with every breath and why I can’t stop thinking about the way he looks at me.
Read each chapter of ‘The Madness that Binds Us’ here.