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How To Survive Halloween Without Having Your Face Nommed Off

by Emma Marshall

All Hallow’s Eve is a magical, scary, dangerous time that could see you get your face nommed off.

No one at Geek Insider wants to see that happen to you, you’re a good person! You deserve to survive. So here are some handy tips to help you keep your head, your face, and your heartbeat on Halloween.

How To Survive Halloween Without Having Your Face Nommed Off

1. Do Not Go To The Ball

Sure, it all ended happily for Cinderella. But that’s because she went to the ball on a non-Halloween night. If that ball had been held on Halloween, Prince Charming would have turned out to be Dracula and she would have spent the entire night running from some guy in a hockey mask.

labyrinth ball

When a dapper man wants to dance with you, it may be because you’re awesome. But it’s probably to steal your kid brother because the dapper man is actually a Goblin King. Or something.

Even Buffy fell foul of Halloween when she got turned all distressed damsel one year.

If you go to a party, especially a masked ball, you’re going to get eaten by vampires. Unless it’s Anne Rice’s Ball, in which case, you’ll still probably get eaten by vampires….but really dreamy ones. So it’ll be worth it.

2. Don’t Be A Loner.

Not being around people is probably one of the best things since they created microwave meals for one. But on Halloween night, even the most introverted should become a herd animal for the night.

Maybe in the shower it's okay....But even then, safety first.

Maybe in the shower it’s okay….But even then, safety first.

It’s simply better odds to be in a group on the night of the year where evil lurks around every corner. Also, if you’re not that attached to the people you’ve invited over on Halloween and something happens?

Good news, you’re going to have some friendship openings in your social circle.

Always go everywhere in groups and try and stay in the ‘middle’ of the group. Stragglers, dawdlers and fearless leaders are always the first ones to go.

3. Never Go Camping. (areyouafraid)

This a general life rule. But it’s especially true on Halloween.

Remember those ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark?’ kids? Yeah, they all got eaten. Well, I’m not sure if they did. But they probably did and it would have served them right! You don’t just go out into the middle of somewhere, sit around a campfire and not expect to have your face nommed off.

I think you'll find as the years went on, there were less kids. The others had been eaten by werewolves. Obviously.

I think you’ll find as the years went on, there were less kids. The others had been eaten by werewolves. Obviously.

You try and go Bear Grills on nature on Halloween night and you’ll be praying for ‘Lions and Tigers and Bears….OH MY!’ by the end of it. Anything from werewolves, zombies, vampires and dudes with mummy issues and a chainsaw will be after you. Do yourself a favor, embrace the 21st century and sleep somewhere with central heating.

4. Don’t Spend The Night In A Haunted Mansion.

Much like never going camping, it’s just simply not worth it.

This is not an accurate representation of a haunted mansion.

This is not an accurate representation of a haunted mansion.

What’s that? You’re not afraid of the dark? Well, the dark isn’t afraid of you either because it’s made of the ghosts of mad men. Not the Don Draper kind. The Ghosted kind.

5. Don’t Answer the Phone.

A rule especially true if there’s a good chance that someone may have witnessed you committing a serious crime during a seasonal cycle and they want to inform you of this fact before playing a cat-and-mouse game with you and your friends.

i-know-what-you-did-last-summer

This also applies to answering the door. And don’t invite anyone in over the threshold.

6. Be Smart, Not a Smart Arse Skeptic. (Room 1408)

Sure, Scooby Doo kid, it COULD just be the mayor in a mask. But what if it’s not? Too many times the smug cynic has ignored the impassioned pleas of others, or the warning signs of a vampire attack, till it’s too late.

John Cusak didn't look so smug at the end of Room 1408.

John Cusak didn’t look so smug at the end of Room 1408.

Yes, if you keep your mind too open your brain will fall out. But if you keep it too closed, then your brain could be scooped out…of your skull….by a zombie.

You don’t have to believe in any supernatural stuff, to believe that a situation could be potentially dangerous. And so what if it’s all a hoax? I’d rather be laughed at than be a vampire’s minion.

7. Don’t Hang Out With Sarah Michelle Gellar.

She's behind you!

She’s behind you!

Buffy, Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scooby Doo, creepy weird bunnies in film clips….

The lady is like a free wifi hotspot, but instead of Internets she has unlimited ghouls, ghosts, and creepy dudes to throw at you. It’s really best to stay away from her. She’s Buffy, she’s used to being alone.

Follow these rules and hopefully you’ll survive through All Hallow’s Eve for another year.

Remember kids, YOLO.

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